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Update
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Oct. 27th, 2009 @ 12:47 pm
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So I got married yesterday.
To the same man I had a nasty divorce from 5 years ago.
I know, I know, sounds like a lot of drama, but to be 100% honest, the drama ended within a year of the divorce, and it allowed us to get our heads out of our asses and focused back in the right direction, towards getting our kids the help and care they needed to manage their autism. Once we got past the pain and fear of their diagnosis, we were able to fix things between us, and a year after the divorce we were back together.
We made it official again yesterday. I updated FaceBook, which admittedly I have been on more than here lately, but it was only a quick blurb, no real details. We married a lot sooner than I wanted to, and I was kind of bitter because I had no time to plan out a small gathering between friends and family, but legal circumstances being what they are, I had no choice. Even my attorney who is helping me handle matters said it had to be done to uncomplicate things. I'll post more details about that once things are looking more stable.
But legal details aside, I'm happy. J is happy. Yes it's just a piece of paper and does not change the level of commitment we have to one another or to that of our children, but on paper we're official and things just feel right.
Old loves and relationships are a thing of the past. Where I stand right now, I am where I belong, with whom I belong, and my children most importantly, are relieved, elated, and are feeling secure. I have been with J since right after my 19th birthday, which is a year over half of my life. He is so much a part of who I have become and I like the person that I've grown to be. To be without him is a thought that I can't begin to fathom and I'm relieved beyond belief that he and I were able to work things out.
Once this legal matter is cleared up, my life will once again be made of nothing but win. |
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As a request from several of my close friends that want to learn how to cook some of the things I make, I'm going to be taking photos and restarting my cooking blog. More details once I'm done with class and work for the week; hopefully this time I stay motivated to keep up with it! |
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Thirteen years.
Thirteen years ago at 5:30PM, after 37 hours of hard and painful labor, I delivered Rome into the world. From that very first day thirteen years ago, my life has been full of love and wonder for this young man who fills my heart with so much happiness that I sometimes feel as if I'm going to burst. I look back and I can't tell where all the years have gone; they went by so fast. It's as if I was teaching him how to walk and count just yesterday, and now he's almost as tall as me and is trying to fly. He and his brother are two-thirds of the trinity that make my heart complete, and while I love his brother equally, Rome was the first that showed my heart what pure, unconditional, and boundless love really is.
He was born with blue eyes, and a full head of brown hair; 20.5" long, weighing 8lbs. 12oz. A year later when his brother was born he was my buttery blonde with hazel eyes, and a face so perfect I was asked by two scouts if I wanted to put him into baby commercials. Today he's got light brown hair and chestnut brown eyes that sometimes change to an amber. He still loves to hold my hand, give me hugs and kisses, and tells me every day as he leaves the house in the morning that he loves me, and repeats that as the last thing he says at night when I check on him in bed. He still likes to put his feet on my lap while all of us are on the couch during movie night. I have a good sense of the kind of person he's going to grow up to be, and I can already tell that he's affectionate, polite, sensitive, smart, and has a great sense of humor. I'm not just saying this because I'm his mother, because I can also pick out all of his faults, but the good outweigh the bad so much that I know he'll be a good citizen and someday he'll make somebody else happy. Most importantly, he is happy. He's got a good sense of self worth and is starting to become a responsible person, all which helps him grow into an emotionally mature adult, and hopefully he'll avoid any of the self esteem issues that have plagued me for the majority of my life. I'm doing all I can to raise him the right way, and I'm starting to see the payoff. So far, I think I've done well.
I am so proud and happy to call him my son.
Happy birthday Rome.
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Autumn
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Sep. 17th, 2009 @ 02:52 pm
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I love this season. I love how much milder the weather is, and how the colors of everything start to turn. I sometimes miss my autumns on the East coast, where every deciduous tree turns orange or yellow and then sheds its dying leaves. I miss the smell of the lawn as the leaves were being raked, and I miss the smell of the chimneys at night when people would start lighting their fireplaces.
We don't get that much here in San Diego, but this is still my hometown and I still love the season here. The sights and smells of my few childhood years on the East are still present, but much milder. Everything is much milder here.
The only thing I'm not looking forward to here are the occasional Santa Ana winds we get from the south, but those I can deal with. What I am looking forward to is the thermostat dropping a few more degrees so I can wear my coat, boots, and scarves again and not feel too warm.
I love you, autumn. You are the perfect season of seasons. |
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PMS...
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Aug. 31st, 2009 @ 06:11 pm
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Premenstrual + heat wave + boredom + music that brings you back 10 years to a tumultuous time in your life = me a mix of jumbled emotions including sadness and irritability.
I normally don't get this emo... I'm the stoic kind that can keep my shit in check, but between the heat the last few days and general malaise and boredom, it does not make for a good combo.
My poor dudes, they're all keeping a distance and are probably thanking the Gods that they do not have a uterus. |
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OK... who turned up the thermostat and sucked all the moisture out of the air, and basically traded San Diego with Tucson, AZ but with a better attitude?
This heat is BS. |
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Insomnia sucks SO.HARD.
Not only do you not get enough rest, but physiologically speaking your brain and muscles still require more of your body's energy, thereby depleting other organ systems of much needed energy boosts during sleep. So that means my urinary system didn't get it's normal 6 hours of dedicated overdrive, which meant major water retention at the ankles. That hurts SO.EFFIN.BAD. I had painful cankles upon awakening and I swear to all that is holy and sacred, it felt like if I touched the skin with a fork that they would burst like an overstuffed sausage in a super tight skin.
So after Joshua got on the bus this morning at 7AM, I went back to nap for 3 hours, making my total sleep 6 hours. I slept with my legs up on a pillow to give them some elevation. When I woke up I took a piss of epic proportions, and looked at my ankles which are back to normal. So to get to my normal patterns and to give my kidneys a much needed rest, today will be minimal salt, plenty of H2O, and two tablets of dyphenhydramine (generic Benadryl) to help me sleep at around 11PM. Must get my body back to homeostasis ASAP.
Sometimes it sucks knowing so much about how the body works. |
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So Beau is coming to visit the weekend of the 14th. Houseguests send me into a cleaning frenzy, and this time is no exception. My apartment is not disgusting, but it is cramped and crowded, and right now there is beach gear all over one corner of the living room. I am also in between semesters for 3 weeks as of tomorrow (my final in Humanities is tomorrow) which means I have school crap all over my desk. Once fall semester begins, I will be too busy with more school crap and work to worry about domestic issues other than making sure my punks are clean/fed/clothed so the cleaning has to happen now. I also have 2 birthdays (mine included) coming up in October, I'm hosting Thanksgiving as usual in November, another birthday and then the Christmas holidays in December, then a 5 week break in between semesters until the first of January. So my time for the deep cleaning is pretty limited.
I have a lot of stuff I want to organize. My short list:
Reorganize my desk, sort through papers and file/recycle/shred as necessary.
Reorganize my kitchen pantry
Reorganize my kitchen cabinets
Reorganize my bedroom
Catch up on laundry and sort through, divide into things to keep and things to give to Goodwill
It doesn't seem like much but when the total household laundry usually consists of 85% boys clothing and 15% adult clothing, it's always a lot. Also my kitchen and pantry total 12 cabinets full of stuff, and I'm not even counting my baker's rack in the mix.
I plan to have this all done in the next 3 days. Yes, I am ambitious. |
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So I'm doing my biweekly shopping gig at Trader Joe's, the new one in Scripps Ranch since it's on the way home from class. They keep their satellite radio station tuned to an 80s only playlist, so I walk in to Depeche Mode's People Are People, by the time I'm picking out bananas and moving on to the rice drink and dairy case it's Siouxie and the Banshees doing Peek-a-Boo and I'm totally singing and bopping my head to the music.
I hit the aisle with the granola and cereal and Haircut 100 comes on with Love Plus One and I do my first round through the frozen products with John Mellencamp and Jack and Diane (HOLD ON TO 16 AS LONG AS YOU CAN, CHANGES COME AROUND REAL SOON... MAKE US WOMEN AND MEN), and by the time I'm picking out some Morningstar Veggie sausage links, Michael Jackson comes on with Don't Stop Til' You Get Enough. By the time I'm done checking out the song is done playing and the cashier and I are cracking up because both of us are totally dancing and singing along with MJ.
Yeah. J walked away laughing. It was a totally geek moment. |
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Didn't go to the beach today as planned. We all ended up sleeping in. So instead, we ran errands.
Spent the entire day out and about, and on the way home Rome started acting lethargic and cranky. He barely got excited over his lychee drink, and this boy is a huge fan of anything lychee. When we arrived the first thing he did was go to his room and lay down. Now he's slumbering deeply, no signs of fever.
I wonder what's wrong.Current Mood:  busy |
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Former Philippine President Corazon Aquino passed away today.
I never really understood her presidency, and what it stood for, because at the time that it came about, I was in 7th grade living an average existence in Mira Mesa, a suburb of San Diego. I was nobody special in my class of 1991 at Wangenheim Jr. High School. The year was 1986 and life was normal.
Or so I thought.
( Down the rabbit hole, on the path to memory lane... )
P.S. Just so that people don't think I'm full of shit, I actually did a Google search and I found a very old article about the film. It's from the LA Times and it can be viewed here:
http://articles.latimes.com/1986-03-22/local/me-22012_1_san-diegoCurrent Mood:  thoughtful |
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Boo :(
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Jul. 27th, 2009 @ 06:37 pm
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Weighed in at the gym today, and I have neither gained weight nor lost weight.
My coach said if my clothes are getting looser and I'm able to lift more, than more than likely I've replaced some fat with muscle. I *AM* able to lift more. I am able to do 110 lbs. in a lat pull, 90 lbs. in rows, 55 lbs. in triceps pushdowns, and 80 lbs. in chest press. I can also do 110 lbs. in the ab cruncher, 40 lbs. in squats, and a solid 30 minutes with no slowing down or breaks on the elliptical.
But still, no loss still makes me kind of sad. I am also premenstrual and I'm retaining water and going through the normal PMS bloat, but still... I was hoping to have seen a loss.
Yargh. |
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Saw this episode of X-Files again and it made me nostalgic.
they said the birds refused to sing
and the thermometer fell suddenly
as if God Himself had His breath stolen away
no one there dared speak aloud,
as much in shame as in sorrow
they uncovered the bodies one by one
were they still dreaming
of ice cream
and
monkey bars?
of birthday cake
and
no future but the afternoon?
or had their innocence been taken
along with their lives
buried in the cold earth so long ago?
these fates seemed too cruel,
even for God
to allow
or are the tragic young born again
when the world is not looking?
i want to believe so badly
in a truth beyond our own
hidden and obscured from all
but the most sensitive eyes...
In the endless procession of souls...
in what cannot
and will not
be destroyed
i want to believe we are unaware
of God's eternal recompense and sadness
that we cannot see His truth
that that which is born still lives
and cannot be buried in the cold earth
but only waits to be born again at God's behest
where in ancient starlight we lay in repose...
Current Music: Moby - My Weakness |
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Since starting my PE class on June 22, 2009, I have lost a total of 16 lbs.
I wish I'd taken body measurements, or before photos in a sports bra and shorts to gauge how far I've come from my starting point, but that ship has sailed.
In four weeks of simply exercising, and doing what I can to watch my liquid calories (not going to lie, I've slipped a few times in this heat and had some iced tea, cool soda at the beach, lemonade, etc.) I have lost 16 lbs. I notice it mostly in my face, my neck, my clavicles, and the fact that I can see tendons in my feet move when I wiggle my toes. My legs are starting to gain definition again, and my ankles are tapering off. It's not a drastic weight loss in one area alone, but more like a little bit of weight has dropped from all over my body.
It's also taking longer for my heart rate to go up, which indicates that my body is getting used to gentle stress, and that my heart is pumping more efficiently and that my gas exchange rate in respiration has become better. This will especially help me once I start scuba diving in August.
I'm able to do rows in 3 sets of >12 at 70 lbs. before I hit failure. Two weeks ago I was struggling with 50 lbs.
My initial worry with scuba diving is that the equipment on land (well, J's at least) for the tank, weights, BCD, regulators, etc. is in excess of 80 lbs. He estimates 90 lbs. total. So my ass is going to have to be able to bear a similar amount of weight on land, and then there's the swim from the shore to La Jolla Canyon which is about 1/4 of a mile off shore. I was worried about not having the strength nor endurance to be able to handle that, and now I'm starting to feel that not only can I do it, but I will be able to handle it with relative ease. Scuba diving alone in itself is a calorie burner, according to estimates done on divebums.com the average diver burns about 1.2k calories in a single dive, including the dry weight portion of walking from land to sea until you've hit neutral buoyancy, in which the weight of the gear becomes 0 lbs., but the swimming in itself is a workout.
Size wise, I'm back to wearing medium and large instead of XL shirts, and my bras at 38C are starting to be loose. I'm glad that I didn't throw away some of my size 12 pants that I held on to from 4 years ago. I may be able to wear them yet again.
This summer of being out and about is paying off so far, even if my arms, legs, and face are brown and tan. I'll pale up again in the winter, and hopefully by then I'm not such a fatass anymore. I miss wearing my pretty clothes. |
| » Video games |
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I think my addiction to video games is waning.
I can't really say it's an addiction, although for a few years I did plenty of escapism in the virtual world, but now that I'm going out again, getting back into shape, doing things with my family, and spending a lot of time writing and being creative, as well as dancing, singing, and playing music again... well, the need to be online in a video game seems to have passed.
Strangely, I don't feel sad over it. I miss the company of long term friends who also played, but I am also in touch with them via other means such as FaceBook, text message, email, telephone. I feel in a way that I'm letting them down, but my need to spread my wings and fly again is too great to ignore.
We'll see how things progress, but for now it's summer, it's warm, and I want to fly.
Jul. 18th, 2009 @ 05:35 pm
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| » Diets... |
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I'm currently eating a mostly organic, macrobiotic diet. I am an omnivore, but my meat consumption is fairly limited. I'm considering (for health reasons mostly) going vegetarian (lacto-ovo for now) and maybe... maybe ultimately going vegan. If I go vegan, it's because of my desire to leave a smaller carbon footprint on this earth.
Now my dilemma is this: My favorite dishes in the world are meat based. You can't just substitute fake meat or tofu in place of the meat and call it the same thing. How would I replace an honest to God good pork or beef tamale? Or a comforting bowl of japo or thai curry on a cold winter day? I've already given up eating chicken, and my fish consumption has really petered off due to toxins found in our waters. Maybe for now I can limit myself (even further) on my meat consumption to once or twice a week, and just go meatless the rest of the week.
If any of you out there are vegetarians currently and have advice, please share.
My reasons for this really are not political. I am predisposed to cardiovascular disease, diabetes, hypertension, cancer, and kidney disease, and the sooner I make changes to my diet, the better my outcome in my older age will be. I have stepped up my exercise, cut the majority of bad eating habits out of my diet, and now the only change left is to fine tune my dietary consumption for maximum benefit. Eating too much red meat has negative dietary implications, which I'm trying to get away from now. I'm almost to the point where I can stop taking my high blood pressure and high cholesterol medications because my numbers are going down (without medications, of course) and really, I want to live a long and healthy life. I have seen disease in my family and what it does, and I have dissected clogged arteries and struggled with removing buckets of fat (literally) from an obese person's cadaver. I am the master of my own destiny and that is what I do not want to become, so bring on the diet changes.
And if I can leave a smaller carbon footprint on the earth, that's even better.
Jul. 17th, 2009 @ 09:29 pm
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| » Interesting... |
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Something I happened upon while looking for workout DVDs involving dance rather than weights:
Jul. 16th, 2009 @ 06:14 pm
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| » La Luna |
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I am drawn to the moon.
Taken about 10 minutes ago from my back porch, July 11, 2009. I was so happy with this, because it came out with that amber haze that you can see with the naked eye, the proper shading, and you can even see craters! SO HAPPY!
I think I finally got my camera setting down for taking photos of the moon:
Exposure: 0.017 sec (1/60)
Aperture: f/5.6
Focal Length: 200 mm
Focal Length: 201.6 mm
ISO Speed: 100
Jul. 11th, 2009 @ 11:37 pm
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| » Belated update |
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4th of July fireworks, from the Sony/Yahoo! building off the side of the I-15S freeway and Bernardo Center Drive exit.
Night photography is not my forte, and these are the first ever fireworks photos I've ever taken, but it's a start, and now it's just a matter of practice. Thank the smart minds who invented digital photography, because learning with film sucked ass and is the main reason I had to stop photography over a decade ago. I couldn't afford to keep up with processing.
Jul. 10th, 2009 @ 02:10 pm
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